Quotes: Puns, Part 2

(a form of word humor when people fiddle with words and laugh at the resultant loony tunes; considered by some to be the lowest form of humus, earthy wit, that we all dig and often respond to with groans and moans)

Quotations

What do you do if you see a spaceman? —Park your car in it, man.

A mushroom walked into a bar and announced: “The drinks are on me.”
The bartender asked, “Why are you buying everybody drinks?”
Because I’m a fungi,” it replied.

What’s white, light and sugary, and swings from trees?
A meringue-utan.

What happened to the survivors of a collision between a red ship and a blue ship?
They were marooned.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.

What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.

A woman went into a bar with a newt perched on her shoulder. She ordered a drink for herself and one for the newt.
“What’s its name?” asked the bartender.
“Tiny,” replied the woman.
“Why Tiny?”
“Because he’s my newt.” [Get it? my newt = minute (very small)]

What is made of plastic and hangs around French cathedrals?
The lunchpack of Notre Dame.

What do you get if you buy crayons for your children?
A gift to make your kin scrawl.

What did the egg in the monastery say?
Ah, well, out of the frying pan and into the friar.

What does a Hindu?
Lays eggs.

What is a bigamist?
An Italian fog.

What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me, there is something that smells.

What do you call a witch who verifies her incantations?
A spell checker.

What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye?
Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

—Source of the above information: Geoff Tibballs


As with the following professionals; old punsters never die, they just come to the end of the punch line.


  • Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
  • Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
  • Old anthropologists never die, they just become history.
  • Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
  • Old astronauts never die, they just go to another world.
  • Old auditors never die, they just lose their figures.
  • Old automechanics never die, they just become exhausted and get retired.
  • Old bakers never die, they just stop making dough.
  • Old barbers never die, they just have close shaves.
  • Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
  • Old burglers never die, they just steal away.
  • Old cartographers never die, they just lose their way.
  • Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
  • Old chemists never die, they just stop reacting.
  • Old dentists never die, they just lose their pull.
  • Old diary farmers never die, they just go to the udder place.
  • Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
  • Old fishermen never die, they smell that way.
  • Old game-show hosts never die, they will be back after these messages.
  • Old gravediggers never die, they just spade away.
  • Old grammarians never die, they just lose their verb and slip into a comma.
  • Old hairdressers never die, they just curl up and dry.
  • Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
  • Old librarians never die, they just become overdue and lose their circulation.
  • Old mathematicians never die, they just go off on a tangent.
  • Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
  • Old plumbers never die, they just pipe down or they just get out of sink and go down the drain.
  • Old police officers never die, they just cop out.
  • Old pollsters never die, they just get broken down by age, sex, and marital status.
  • Old population experts never die, they just take leave of their census.
  • Old professors never die, they just lose their class.
  • Old psychiatrists never die, they just shrink away.
  • Old reporters never die, they just meet their deadlines.
  • Old school principles never die, they just lose their faculties.
  • Old skiers never die, they just go downhill.
  • Old teachers never die, they just grade away and lose their class.
  • Old typists never die, they just lose their touch.
  • Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

—Sources of information: Richard Lederer and Geoff Tibballs

You may return to Quotes: Puns, Part 1, if you want to see them again.


Links to quotations units. Other Quotes, Quotation Units.