Quotes: Bloopers, Part 2

BRUSSELS, Belgium (AP) — It's enough to make a grammarian groan. The European Community, no stranger to tortured language itself, has collected some of the worst abuses of the Queen's English from around the world.

• Take the Paris hotel that told guests: "Please leave your values at the desk."
• Or the Bangkok dry cleaner's boast, "Drop your trousers here for best results."
• And what did an Austrian ski resort mean when it urged guests "not to preambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension"?
• Most of the dozens of such doozies in the collection were compiled by the European Community's traveling translators, beginning in July, when they were asked to look out for examples of odd English. Others were taken from published collections.
• Under the title "Mind Your Language," the fractured phrases are displayed on boards in the lobbies of the community's Centre Borschette office complex.
• The compilation of linguistic lulus show English is spoken widely but not always well.
• An Acapulco hotel, for instance, reassured guests about the drinking water: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."
• A Tokyo hotel advised guests it "is forbidden to steal hotel towels please." But politely added, "If you are not a person to do such thing please not to read notice."
• Another Tokyo hotel, seemingly more relaxed about morals, said, "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
• A sign at a German campsite warned, "It is strictly forbidden on our camp site that people of different sex, for instance men and women, live together in one tent, unless they are married with each other for that purpose."
• A Zurich hotel with similar worries offered this solution: "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."
• A temple in Bangkok warned visiting tourists, "It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if dressed as a man.
• In Paris, a boutique advertised "dresses for street walking."
• A notice in a Norwegian cocktail lounge stated, "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
• A Rome doctor specialized in "women and other diseases" and a Swedish furrier offered coats "made for ladies from their own skin."
• A Prague tourist agency urged tourists: "Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages."
• In Tokyo, a car rental agency offered these instructions to clients: "When passenger of foot heave into sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor."
• For people suffering toothache in Hong Kong, a dentist advertised tooth extractions "using the latest Methodists."
• A tailor on the Greek island of Rhodes could not guarantee he could finish summer suits ordered by tourists "because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
• A sign in a zoo in Budapest showed times are tough in Eastern Europe: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
• Also in the Hungarian capital is a hotel that once had elevator problems and told guests: "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."
• And if you thought flying was fun, go to the Copenhagen airport where an airline vowed to "take your bags and send them in all directions."

Biblical interpretations by children in some religious schools

• The Bible is full of many interesting caricatures. Michael Angelo painted them on the Sixteen Chapels.
• The first five books of the Bible are Genesis, Exodus, Laxatives, Deuteronomy, and Numbers.
• In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
• Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son? My punishment is greater than I can bare."
• Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. He built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.
• Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. Saddam and Gomorrah were twins.
• Abraham begat Isaac and Isaac begat Jacob and Jacob begat 12 partridges.
• God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma.
• Abraham took Isaac up the mountain to be circumcised.
• Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother, Esau's birthmark.
• Esau was a man who wrote fables and sold his copyright for a mess of potash.
• Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his 12 sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
• The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
• Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
• Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles. He slayed them by pulling down the pillows of the temple.
• Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make beds without straw.
• Moses was an Egyptian who lived in a hark made of bullrushes.
• Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
• The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
• Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
• The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
• The Fifth Commandment is humor thy father and mother.
• The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
• The Ninth Commandment is thou salt not bare faults witness.
• Moses ate nothing but whales and manner for 40 years. He died before he ever reached Canada. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
• The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
• David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He wrote psalms.
• They are called psalms because he sang them while playing the harmonica.
• David also fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
• Later came Job, who had one trouble after another. Eventually, he lost all his cattle and all his children and had to go live alone with his wife in the desert. Then came Shadrach, Meshach, and To Bed We Go, and then Salome, who was a wicked woman who wore very few clothes and took them off when she danced before Harrods.
• When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager wrapped in waddling clothes.
• In the Gospel of Luke they named him Enamel.
• Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
• Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He wrote the "B" Attitudes and explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
• Jesus was crucified on his way to Calgary. It was a miracle when he rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off the entrance.
• The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
• The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
• One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
• St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
• A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
• The natives of Macedonia did not believe in Paul, so he got stoned.
• Other Christians were condemned to death in large groups. They entered the arena to face wild lions singing hymns of praise in the name of the Father, the Son, and In-the-Hole-He-Goes.

Quotes: Bloopers Part 3.

Quotes: Bloopers Part 1.

Other Quotes, Quotation Units.